Have you ever felt like you've been put through a dough press? That's what I am feeling now. I mean I just had all my walls busted down and go the joys of feeling 14 years of sadness all at once. I'm shocked I didn't kill myself in the few mins it took Catherine and Dr. Lord to get to me. But then I HAD been reading up on Mictlan and Dr. Lord is right...it is somewhere I need to avoid at all costs.
Anyway I was feeling like shit when I got back to the dorms. I had woke up silently crying in the middle of the night and tried to not wake Dr. Lord up. I was like a zombie in class and seeing Dave still angry was like a kick in my gut...gods I really had hurt him hadn't I? After classes I went back out to the woods and cut some more. Now though instead of feeling good to fill a void (cause I don't think I have a void anymore) I needed to drown out all the bad I was feeling. And yep it still felt good.
Suddenly Dave came crashing through the forest and knocked my knife out of my hand and I felt myself getting mad at him again. He asked why. I told him to fuck off. He called me a selfish little girl out for attention. I asked if he ever listens to anything I tell him, that it's about feeling not attention. Then he kissed me...and I felt myself melt into him for a moment before pulling back, angry at myself. One kiss wasn't going to make the fact that he and I seem to do nothing but fight go away. We argued some more about my lack of feelings and he started to walk off...
...but came back and he looked furious. He accused me of taking from him but never giving back and hit me right across the face. I suppose I could have gotten out of the way or summoned Tepini (oh he was RAGING mad I could here him in my head) but in a way I felt I deserved it. I had hurt him. And if this is what he needed to do then I would let him do it. He yelled and hit me a few more times and I could feel my eye puffing up and closing when I felt a spark in me turn to a wildfire...I loved him. I did, I could see if burning right there in an empty part of my heart and the fire consumed a lot of my pain and anger. I launched myself at him kissing him deeply, passionately, and for the first time in my life I felt myself love someone.
I undid my armor letting it fall to the forest floor, and he followed suit. And as I looked at him I finally told him I loved him. The rest I think I will leave private for once. We spent the weekend together and I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be treated like a frail child. It is equals or not at all.
I am terrified of what this means for me though. I have never been in a relationship, never loved anyone...no that isn't all true. I recognize now I loved my child even though I never met him or her. But I never loved a partner, and relationships are scary. I haven't had the best examples of how one should work and frankly Dave and I are both very stubborn and very quick to anger...gods help us both.
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