I decide to self destruct.

So it's wed night and I was finishing up a paper for Chem class when my phone rang.  Upon answering it I hear my 'father' inform me that I will be required to attend a dinner in the Charter Building's Ballroom and lateless is not acceptable...like it ever was with him.  So I showered and yanked on my armor, changing it to jeans and a tank top, and pulled some heels on before going early to check it out.  As I figured it was black tie so I changed the armor to a dress and went in.  I could feel my nerves starting to get the better of me when I spotted my two favorite people in this world...Dr. Lord and Catherine were here.  I walked over and told them about my phone call when I felt THAT presence behind me...he cleared his throat and I turned to see Alejandro.

I felt the terror grow in me and quickly beat it down and greeted my father.  Father seemed to know of Dr. Lord but was not aware he was teaching and pulled me aside to discuss the evening.  He informed me he was wanting to start his philanthropic career by donating to the school...which meant he would have some control here.  I was to be his charming daughter for the evening.  Then he started to grill me about Dr. Lord's activities in the amazon.  I told him Dr. Lord does not discuss his personal activities with us and that if he did I would inform him.

When he left I leaned against the wall feeling completely drained until I felt a nudge.  I looked down to see Ix Chel and rubbed her ears for a moment before she led me back to Dr. Lord and Catherine.  I told them about the conversation and Dr. Lord told me a bit of what was going down between him and my father, though he only knew it was my father recently due to his business practices.  He and Catherine shared a look and said they had a plan to keep my father out of here but I was vital to making it work.  I agreed and they led me to meet the President of the University.  He was a nice older man and agreed to introduce Dr. Lord and Catherine to the other people here as well as myself.  We made our rounds and it seemed I managed to change people perceptions of me for the better.  But it was a smallish dinner and soon enough we made our way to my father again.  President Ronalds told him I left a great impression on everyone and I hated myself as I answered in that weak voice that being around my father elicits.  Mr. Ronalds noticed and Catherine asked what my father thought of me to which he blurted out loudly "I couldn't care less if she lived or died; so long as she didn't leave anything for the press to latch onto."  It was like a kick to the gut.  I mean it is one thing to know the man you have known as your father cares nothing for you...but it's another to hear him say it.  I felt tears welling in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.  I would not cry for this man.  Dr. Lord commented on knowing my home life had been bad but he'd have though he would kept it to private and then made an offhand comment about child labor.  I knew this is where he needed me so I pulled a "Father is this true?  I mean Brian said some of them looked young but..." and the crowd started talking even more.  We had him.  Mr. Ronalds dismissed my father and steered us to a more private place and told us it was a risky move we just played.  Dr. Lord looked surprised but I had been getting an odd smell from him all night and seeing some weirdness so I asked who his divine parent was.  Turns out President Ronalds is Chiron, son of Kronos.

Dr. Lord and Catherine led me out to a bench and we talked about what had happened.  I got a flash of Mystery showing me Dr. Lord's previous girlfriends and what he went through with them and Catherine.  I asked how he kept going...if it was just the threat of Mictlan that kept him going...and he said what I feared, an innate will to live.  I told him I can't seem to grasp that.  It feels like it is always just out of reach.  I honestly think not a week goes by that I don't think of killing myself.  Then they both had a Fate flash and a vague conversation of what they saw...and by vague I mean one word sentences.  They saw something about me and it's big and can't tell me...gods I feel so useless sometimes.  Dr. Lord and Ix Chel left when I mentioned seeing things I couldn't talk to him about and I told her about the recent one from the weekend.  She said a threat does not mean action...like nukes are a threat to the world, but an inactive one.  So it doesn't mean certain doom after our next meeting with Owen.  She gave me a hug and left, telling me they loved and trusted me and I spent the night in the woods with Tepini and my blade trying desperately to feel something other than sadness and fear.

The next night I got a call from Brian bitching me out for what happened and had been happening.  Apparently The Post and the Daily News had already run stories on what went down at the dinner and dad's lawyers were in fits over needing to go to court against Catherine.  I was of course to blame for all of this.  So to get him to shut up I told him since the Times had not picked it up I would go to them to try to set the right story (IE a lie to placate my father) and that's when my idea hit me in the face.  He hung up after yet another vague threat and I immediately called Dr. Lord.  I needed him to put me in contact with someone at the times...they were going to run a story but it wasn't going to be what my brother expected.  I decided then and there to end this.  I wanted to tell them what it was like growing up as the adopted daughter of Alejandro Velas.  Not the divine part of course but the fact I was a pool boy's daughter, the years of neglect, the start of the alcohol, drugs, parties, sex...the abortion.  All of it was going to come out.  Dr. Lord told me he had independent confirmation I was not Alejandro's thanks to a stray hair and not only that he told me WE were blood related, not just divinely.  He asked I send him a draft of what I intended to say and I did so while we talked.  He said I didn't have to discuss anything that made me uncomfortable but I pointed out all of it was uncomfortable to talk about, hells to even think about BUT I needed to do it.  Not just to cause headaches for Alejandro but for me.  I NEEDED to do this.  I could hear even through the phone that he was proud of me and that boosted my resolve and confidence.  He said he'd have Catherine check out all the details to be sure we had solid proof of everything and then got another call...he added the caller to the conversation and it turned out to be Tez.

I have to say talking to him now gives me that rush of, this is my father, and also dread.  I never know where I stand with him, and hate myself for caring what he thinks.  He told me he has never been prouder of me and I could feel it through the phone.  I hated the rush of warmth and happiness I felt at that.  I still had not forgiven myself for what I did and here I was HAPPY that my father was pleased by it.  He also was pleased with how Liam and I had worked out my rune.  He admitted to trying to force a behavior but was pleased I managed to manipulate the system to work to my advantage.  Tez let us know he approved of our interview plan but wanted Alan to hold off on the lawsuits...and no he would not tell us why before hanging up.  After a second straight day I needed to go hide in the woods again and Alan asked me to not overdo it.  I promised not to and to let Tepini out so at least someone sane was there.  We said goodnight and I found myself having to force calling him Dr. Lord.  We're related, I love him like he were a father and his fiancée a mother and calling him so formally in a private setting is just awkward.

So now I am going to self-destruct my private life and let the world know what happened...gods I hope I am strong enough to survive the fallout.

I slip into old habbits

This last month has been...trying.  It started with this shit with my dad.  I spent a week fuming and trying to figure out what to do about a rune that needs to be FED HUMAN BLOOD FROM THE HEART.  I mean FUCK YOU TOO dad.  I finally went to the guys and asked their advice.  We were brainstorming when I went to find Ix Chel.  She got on my case for tying myself to closely to Dr. Lord and for my need to say the first thing that comes into my brain (including my visions.)

She wasn't a lot of help with my rune issue but she did get me thinking about how little I know about the human body, so I went to see Liam cause he is pre-med.  After discussing it a bit he said he had an idea.  As I watched he pulled out his knife and stabbed himself in the heart!  NO SHIT IN THE HEART!  I didn't know what to do other than take the blade when he handed it to me and feed the damn rune.  I was stunned.

That night he held a movie night which was fun despite the fact it was all fantasy based.  But fun to just hang out and be normal.  He even got my favorite soda which I had run out of which was nice.  Funny in high school I always thought he was a self absorbed jock like the rest...guess that's what I get for assuming things.

The next few weeks I didn't eat or sleep.  I kept getting visions of bad stuff.  Some of it of the people I know and care for, some of more abstract things but all of it bad.  After my chat with Ix Chel I knew I shouldn't go to Dr. Lord with it and my bandmates wouldn't understand.  I spent all my time out in the forest with Tepini.  He'd hunt and I'd sit in the trees getting high and cutting myself.  I know people don't understand it but the cutting...the pain it brings is the best feeling in the world.  Better even than the high my pills give me.  At one point Dave tried to get me to talk to him but he was the last person I needed to discuss this with.

A few days ago Catherine found me out in the woods.  Apparently Ix Chel did tell her I wanted to talk to her but she didn't tell her it was important...and it took Dr. Lord mentioning how worn I was looking in class to trigger a prophetic vision and know how bad it was getting.  To be honest I didn't know how much I was letting it effect me.  She made me eat a granola bar and we had a talk about Ix Chel and Prophecy in general.  Apparently being around Kiti more will help, but he irritates me so much I'm not sure it is worth the hassle.  I finally told her about all of my visions, including Dr. Lord becoming the 6th sun, and my father and uncles worry over him and now me.  It scares me that two gods are worried enough about me to interfere in my life so much.

After we finished she asked me to be her bridesmaid in their wedding.  I was shocked.  I mean she barely knows me but since Dr. Lord does see me as family she said it was a natural thing.  Now we both know I don't believe in love or relationships but I won't stand in the way of others or argue the point, so I am more than happy to be a part of it.  I finally got her number and she has mine.

As I was about to fall asleep that night I got a vision (FUCK) but it wasn't bad.  It was Dr. Lord and Catherine talking.  Turns out Dr. Lord is just as worried and confused about how to react around me as I am him, and while he is worried about me he is also a bit relieved I have not been around.  I'm not sure how to take that but I was too tired to figure it out.