This is the end

*sigh* I am sad to say my STer has ended this game.  I really enjoyed playing Gabby and hope that one day my STer will resume the game.

I decide to self destruct.

So it's wed night and I was finishing up a paper for Chem class when my phone rang.  Upon answering it I hear my 'father' inform me that I will be required to attend a dinner in the Charter Building's Ballroom and lateless is not acceptable...like it ever was with him.  So I showered and yanked on my armor, changing it to jeans and a tank top, and pulled some heels on before going early to check it out.  As I figured it was black tie so I changed the armor to a dress and went in.  I could feel my nerves starting to get the better of me when I spotted my two favorite people in this world...Dr. Lord and Catherine were here.  I walked over and told them about my phone call when I felt THAT presence behind me...he cleared his throat and I turned to see Alejandro.

I felt the terror grow in me and quickly beat it down and greeted my father.  Father seemed to know of Dr. Lord but was not aware he was teaching and pulled me aside to discuss the evening.  He informed me he was wanting to start his philanthropic career by donating to the school...which meant he would have some control here.  I was to be his charming daughter for the evening.  Then he started to grill me about Dr. Lord's activities in the amazon.  I told him Dr. Lord does not discuss his personal activities with us and that if he did I would inform him.

When he left I leaned against the wall feeling completely drained until I felt a nudge.  I looked down to see Ix Chel and rubbed her ears for a moment before she led me back to Dr. Lord and Catherine.  I told them about the conversation and Dr. Lord told me a bit of what was going down between him and my father, though he only knew it was my father recently due to his business practices.  He and Catherine shared a look and said they had a plan to keep my father out of here but I was vital to making it work.  I agreed and they led me to meet the President of the University.  He was a nice older man and agreed to introduce Dr. Lord and Catherine to the other people here as well as myself.  We made our rounds and it seemed I managed to change people perceptions of me for the better.  But it was a smallish dinner and soon enough we made our way to my father again.  President Ronalds told him I left a great impression on everyone and I hated myself as I answered in that weak voice that being around my father elicits.  Mr. Ronalds noticed and Catherine asked what my father thought of me to which he blurted out loudly "I couldn't care less if she lived or died; so long as she didn't leave anything for the press to latch onto."  It was like a kick to the gut.  I mean it is one thing to know the man you have known as your father cares nothing for you...but it's another to hear him say it.  I felt tears welling in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.  I would not cry for this man.  Dr. Lord commented on knowing my home life had been bad but he'd have though he would kept it to private and then made an offhand comment about child labor.  I knew this is where he needed me so I pulled a "Father is this true?  I mean Brian said some of them looked young but..." and the crowd started talking even more.  We had him.  Mr. Ronalds dismissed my father and steered us to a more private place and told us it was a risky move we just played.  Dr. Lord looked surprised but I had been getting an odd smell from him all night and seeing some weirdness so I asked who his divine parent was.  Turns out President Ronalds is Chiron, son of Kronos.

Dr. Lord and Catherine led me out to a bench and we talked about what had happened.  I got a flash of Mystery showing me Dr. Lord's previous girlfriends and what he went through with them and Catherine.  I asked how he kept going...if it was just the threat of Mictlan that kept him going...and he said what I feared, an innate will to live.  I told him I can't seem to grasp that.  It feels like it is always just out of reach.  I honestly think not a week goes by that I don't think of killing myself.  Then they both had a Fate flash and a vague conversation of what they saw...and by vague I mean one word sentences.  They saw something about me and it's big and can't tell me...gods I feel so useless sometimes.  Dr. Lord and Ix Chel left when I mentioned seeing things I couldn't talk to him about and I told her about the recent one from the weekend.  She said a threat does not mean action...like nukes are a threat to the world, but an inactive one.  So it doesn't mean certain doom after our next meeting with Owen.  She gave me a hug and left, telling me they loved and trusted me and I spent the night in the woods with Tepini and my blade trying desperately to feel something other than sadness and fear.

The next night I got a call from Brian bitching me out for what happened and had been happening.  Apparently The Post and the Daily News had already run stories on what went down at the dinner and dad's lawyers were in fits over needing to go to court against Catherine.  I was of course to blame for all of this.  So to get him to shut up I told him since the Times had not picked it up I would go to them to try to set the right story (IE a lie to placate my father) and that's when my idea hit me in the face.  He hung up after yet another vague threat and I immediately called Dr. Lord.  I needed him to put me in contact with someone at the times...they were going to run a story but it wasn't going to be what my brother expected.  I decided then and there to end this.  I wanted to tell them what it was like growing up as the adopted daughter of Alejandro Velas.  Not the divine part of course but the fact I was a pool boy's daughter, the years of neglect, the start of the alcohol, drugs, parties, sex...the abortion.  All of it was going to come out.  Dr. Lord told me he had independent confirmation I was not Alejandro's thanks to a stray hair and not only that he told me WE were blood related, not just divinely.  He asked I send him a draft of what I intended to say and I did so while we talked.  He said I didn't have to discuss anything that made me uncomfortable but I pointed out all of it was uncomfortable to talk about, hells to even think about BUT I needed to do it.  Not just to cause headaches for Alejandro but for me.  I NEEDED to do this.  I could hear even through the phone that he was proud of me and that boosted my resolve and confidence.  He said he'd have Catherine check out all the details to be sure we had solid proof of everything and then got another call...he added the caller to the conversation and it turned out to be Tez.

I have to say talking to him now gives me that rush of, this is my father, and also dread.  I never know where I stand with him, and hate myself for caring what he thinks.  He told me he has never been prouder of me and I could feel it through the phone.  I hated the rush of warmth and happiness I felt at that.  I still had not forgiven myself for what I did and here I was HAPPY that my father was pleased by it.  He also was pleased with how Liam and I had worked out my rune.  He admitted to trying to force a behavior but was pleased I managed to manipulate the system to work to my advantage.  Tez let us know he approved of our interview plan but wanted Alan to hold off on the lawsuits...and no he would not tell us why before hanging up.  After a second straight day I needed to go hide in the woods again and Alan asked me to not overdo it.  I promised not to and to let Tepini out so at least someone sane was there.  We said goodnight and I found myself having to force calling him Dr. Lord.  We're related, I love him like he were a father and his fiancée a mother and calling him so formally in a private setting is just awkward.

So now I am going to self-destruct my private life and let the world know what happened...gods I hope I am strong enough to survive the fallout.

More Lyrical shit...I'll explain why later

Hey you, look what you do to me
You bend and you bruise me
Why you try to control me?
But you don't know me
How come you just want to hurt me?
How come you just want to push me?
I can't ignore you anymore
Cause everywhere I turn you
You burn me, you break me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take
I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let go! (look what you do to me)
Let go! (look what you do to me)

Hey you, look what you do to me
You burnt and you scared me
With all that you tell me (but I don't listen!)
You love me, you hate me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

I don't wanna be afraid I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take
I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let

You kept pushing me
You keep using me
You keep twisting me
You keep breaking me
You can't have me anymore [x3]
You can't have me, let go!

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take

I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let go! Let go! Just let go!
I don't wanna be afraid
Let go! (I don't wanna run away!)
Just let go! Let go! Let go!

Family issues.

About mid week Dave and I were studying on the quad when Dr. Lord rode up on Ix Chel and said he wanted to speak with Dave and I.  I got up on Ix Chel and Dave rode his bike as Dr. Lord took us to a clearing to meet Catherine.  They had some gym mats laid out that got me immediately suspicious.

Catherine gave me one of her big hugs and eye'd Dave.  He of course had forgotten who she was and I called him stubborn and hard headed to which he smacked my ass and Catherine did not look happy about that.  Dr. Lord invited Dave to spar and handed me his pint cup.  He seemed so confidant and I didn't understand that.  I mean Dr. Lord is a demigod...he could kick ALL our bands asses at once I'm sure.  Watching you could see Dr. Lord toying with him and when he got Dave in a lock I heard him tell Dave I was much more fragile than he knew and I felt myself bristle at that.  FRAGILE!?  I mean yeah I had been through a tremendous amount of stress and emotional trauma but hey I was still here right?  But then Catherine touched my shoulder and I felt the anger recede and be replaced by calm...I both hate and love when she does that...damn her.  The boys continued and Catherine assured me that none of this makes me weak.  I think that they are worried Dave and I are not right for each other and that one or both of us will be hurt when it ends.  I don't think like that though.  It seems too much like a self fulfilling prophecy.  Think too much about it and you WILL ruin what future you may have had.  When they finished Dr. Lord and Catherine took us back to the cabin for dinner and we had a more normal conversation.

A few days after that Liam came into the common room and tossed some papers on the table.  When I glanced at them I saw they were NYU brochures.  I sighed and saw where this was going so I started by apologizing for what happened at the factory.  Dave seemed to be able to brush it off as nothing and that disturbed me.  I murdered that girl and here he was treating it like I killed her in the heat of battle.  Fletch and Liam argued over whether or not what I did was right and I knew that fight could go on for a long time and it was getting to me so I patiently sat there and got a blade out to cut a little at my arms...well apparently Liam saw it cause he yanked it out of my hand.  The fight continued and I started to realize a big part of our problem was we had no clear leader.  We all had our own ideas and emotions guiding us but no one to step in and say ENOUGH.  Liam brought up how Dave acted then and Dave apologized but I don't think Liam sees it as sincere enough.  And Fletch promised to TRY to avoid killing when not necessary.  Right about then there was a rainbow flash and we were whisked away to a conference room that had Dr. Lord, Ix Chel and two men that made my heart drop at the sight of them.

One man was black and wearing a suit and top hat, Baron Samedi, and the other Latino in an Armani suit, Huitzilopitchli...the scions we killed's fathers.  Dr. Lord made the introductions and asked for us to be seated.  I sat by Dr. Lord as far from Huitzilopitchli as I could even though, really, if he wanted to he could kill me in an instant.  I found myself cutting immediately and Dr. Lord just healed me as I did.  Damn it.  Huitzilopitchli was first to broach the subject at hand by yelling that his daughter was dead and her sacrifice went to another god, and he wanted justice.  Dr. Lord asked for the Baron's thoughts and he seemed unconcerned since he was a death god and could continue to use his son.  Huitzilopitchli asked what happened finally and I knew it was time to step up.  I told him about Owen and how their children stole Dave's relic and were bargaining with Owen, the corrupted scion of Gaia (now.)  They interrupted asking about what the bargain was and I told them what their children told us.  Huitzilopitchli asked how we knew Owen was corrupted to which we told him of the screaming for Gaia, the dinosaur bones, and calling the gods fools.  Both he and the Baron finally agreed we were in the right...at least enough to not kill us, when Huitzilopitchli glared at Fletch and I and asked why his daughter's corpse was desecrated.  In my head I could hear Tepini pleading with me to defend myself...Fletch had told me I could have her and she had insulted me and my father...but I couldn't it felt too much like blaming things other than myself.  Finally with a bit of prodding from Tepini and reassurance from Dr. Lord I spoke up and explained that though I was not trying to pass blame she HAD insulted me and my father greatly and I told him her exact words.

The two gods finally let us off the hook and Dr. Lord dismissed us.  We exited to find ourselves in the American Natural History Museum in NYC which set me on edge immediately.  I can't be comfortable here in NYC anymore it seems.  We went for the elevators and out walked Owen.  I was so shocked and drained already that I just stood there like an idiot.  He spouted off more shit about the gods being inferior and Liam told him there were two gods upstairs at which point Owen fled.  Right then I had a freakshow moment and was reminded of how much it SUCKS to have Fate hit you in rapid succession like that without my nagual around.  I collapsed against the wall feeling like the wind had been kicked out of me.  I told them he was gone...deep in the earth and Zeus was his real father.

Liam was going to stay in the city for the weekend so I asked Dave to wait while I talked to him.  My rune was coming due and I could feel the palpable hunger of it and I needed to know if I needed to find another way.  He said so long as he was around I could count on him but said I should look for an alternative just in case.  We headed to the park and the only secluded place I knew and on the way he told me he was going to try to transfer out.  He wasn't happy with the groups morality as a whole and didn't want to impose his views on the group nor did he want to stay with things as they were.  I told him I understood and led him to some overgrown bushes, pushing them aside to reveal a small clearing and pond completely hidden by bushes.  I sat by the pond and dipped my feet in and told him I'd miss him if he left.  He and I have a lot of fun in Chem class and the group needs him.  I mean I am now ruled by my emotions, Dave by his fists, and Fletch by blood...Liam replied that he doesn't want to tell others what to do.  On top of that he didn't like the idea of having to confront Dave physically if need be.  I pointed out that GOOD leaders don't 'make all the decisions', they take in everyones ideas, make sure everyone is heard, and help organize it all and get the group to agree to a course of action.  I told him if Dave tried something stupid again I would be the one stepping in to stop him, and I pointed out that Alex seemed to have withdrawn a lot from the group since Jahi left.  He considered my words and conceded that I had a logical argument before getting that damned cute mischievous glint in his eye and pushing me into the pond.  I didn't even surface before willing the water to lash out and snag him, pulling him in as well.  When we got out I shook myself dry (it is SOOO nice to be able to control water now) and he removed his shirt so we could feed the damned rune.  I made him promise to slap me if I ever became jaded about how screwed up my pantheon is .  I told him to thank his mom for how he turned out before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and leaving...this city gives me the creeps now.

Ending on a high note...for now.

Have you ever felt like you've been put through a dough press?  That's what I am feeling now.  I mean I just had all my walls busted down and go the joys of feeling 14 years of sadness all at once.  I'm shocked I didn't kill myself in the few mins it took Catherine and Dr. Lord to get to me.  But then I HAD been reading up on Mictlan and Dr. Lord is right...it is somewhere I need to avoid at all costs.

Anyway I was feeling like shit when I got back to the dorms.  I had woke up silently crying in the middle of the night and tried to not wake Dr. Lord up.  I was like a zombie in class and seeing Dave still angry was like a kick in my gut...gods I really had hurt him hadn't I?  After classes I went back out to the woods and cut some more.  Now though instead of feeling good to fill a void (cause I don't think I have a void anymore) I needed to drown out all the bad I was feeling.  And yep it still felt good.

Suddenly Dave came crashing through the forest and knocked my knife out of my hand and I felt myself getting mad at him again.  He asked why.  I told him to fuck off. He called me a selfish little girl out for attention.  I asked if he ever listens to anything I tell him, that it's about feeling not attention.  Then he kissed me...and I felt myself melt into him for a moment before pulling back, angry at myself.  One kiss wasn't going to make the fact that he and I seem to do nothing but fight go away.  We argued some more about my lack of feelings and he started to walk off...

...but came back and he looked furious.  He accused me of taking from him but never giving back and hit me right across the face.  I suppose I could have gotten out of the way or summoned Tepini (oh he was RAGING mad I could here him in my head) but in a way I felt I deserved it.  I had hurt him.  And if this is what he needed to do then I would let him do it.  He yelled and hit me a few more times and I could feel my eye puffing up and closing when I felt a spark in me turn to a wildfire...I loved him.  I did, I could see if burning right there in an empty part of my heart and the fire consumed a lot of my pain and anger.  I launched myself at him kissing him deeply, passionately, and for the first time in my life I felt myself love someone.

I undid my armor letting it fall to the forest floor, and he followed suit.  And as I looked at him I finally told him I loved him.  The rest I think I will leave private for once.  We spent the weekend together and I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be treated like a frail child.  It is equals or not at all.

I am terrified of what this means for me though.  I have never been in a relationship, never loved anyone...no that isn't all true.  I recognize now I loved my child even though I never met him or her.  But I never loved a partner, and relationships are scary.  I haven't had the best examples of how one should work and frankly Dave and I are both very stubborn and very quick to anger...gods help us both.

I come to a boiling point...

So Liam finally decided to talk to me about my scars.  Seeing as everyone else already knew I didn't see the harm in telling him about it.  He gave me one of those useless sorries I hate so much and told me some therapy techniques he'd been learning.  I smiled and thanked him, mostly cause I didn't feel like talking in depth about it with him.

Dave and I got into yet another fight.  I really am getting sick of his shit.  I was laying on the couch reading up on Norse mythology and he comes out and we joke a little on what normal is before I ask him what's up.  He wanted to know where we stood after that mess with Barry.  I told him we were fine and that the reason he pissed me off was because he was being overprotective again of me.  I mean yeah Barry had his gun leveled at me but I knew what I was doing goading him and besides my father (and everyone else's) was right there as was Dr. Lord.  I knew I was fine.  He asked what else he could have done and I told him frankly he could have sat there and not gotten involved...the he got all pissy and lifted me by my foot saying how would I handle this?  I hate seeing him act like such girl...what the fuck is his problem?

So lab this Thursday was uneventful thank the gods, though something was going down in the amazon.  He also tells us the tongue left behind was the creature's trophy and it can locate unknown scions.  Dr. Lord thinks we can handle that and I get a vision of people with Dave's relic.  So I had Liam and Fletch go find Alex and I went after Dave since they left before all this was discussed.

I found Dave in his room and we had another fight, worse than the others.  There was shoving and pushing and pinning, but not in the fun way of before.  he was being prideful and stubborn and I wanted to just hit him but I knew it would do no good since I don't have a lot of strength.  Why he can't just listen when I tell him things I don't know but I am certain had I been anyone else in there he would have killed me for how much I pushed him.  We went to the common room and in seconds Liam came upstairs and told us Alex was gonna meet us outside.

I follow Liam but Dave, the stubborn fool, leaps out the window and summons his bike on the way down.  Liam comments on the lack of discreteness in the act, Dave jumps down Liam's throat and I decide to ignore Dave.  We figured out where we needed to go and after slightly more arguing with Dave we drive up north.  We found the place and were discussing a plan of action when Dave started acting like a pompous ass treating us all like pieces of shit.  Then he called me a bitch again and I had had it.  I started walking off.  He wanted to do this himself?  Fine.  Fuck him too.  Apparently Dave went ahead and rushed in but I didn't care until the earth started shaking and Liam shouted.

I raced into the building to help Dave only for half of it to explode revealing Owen.  Two scions (Aztec chick and Loa guy) were huddled around Dave's brewery and Owen shouted some Gaia nonsense.  I admit I didn't pay much attention to this fight cause...well...I was angry.  I was angry at Dave for being a jerk, I was angry at Fate for putting me here, and then I felt anger that this girl, an Aztec like me, was helping this fool.  I was furious and felt my anger flame white hot as I saw her.  I threw my machete at her and had Tepini go for her leg hoping to knock her down but Tepini missed and my machete didn't ever knick her...but I did get her distracted.  She started yelling at me and I don't know why I said it but I told her I would give her heart to my father.  She took a swing at me but it just bounced off my armor.  Suddenly she called out to the other scion and I can only assume one of the boys took her friend out.

I heard the brewery explode, I heard Owen claim their deal was off, but all I could focus on was this traitorous bitch.  Tepini and I lunged at her and I told her my father would greatly enjoy drinking of her heart...and I meant it.  I knew in that moment I would stop at nothing to give her to my father...I don't know what came over me.  Maybe it was meeting Fletch and seeing how comfortable he was with killing, maybe it was knowing my father would be delighted with it if I took her heart for him, and maybe it was just all my rage but her heart was mine.  Suddenly Alex had her in a hold and Liam smashed her with a maul.  She claimed there was a dictator in Trinidad who was working to summon a titan and only Owen could get through his defenses.

Fletch got us to agree to not kill her right now but I told him her heart WAS going to Tez...I would settle for nothing less.  Then she insulted me again and before I could react Tepini launched himself at her neck in a roar of rage.  Liam apparently healed the other cause as Tepini lunged at her I heard him shout her name.  I was having a very hard time keeping Tepini from ripping her throat out and told them to hurry up and question her.  Truthfully I was having a hard time controlling myself too.  Alex asked her for details and she spat at him telling him to fuck off.  I waited for the others to say more but Alex just said wrong answer and Liam turned away.  So I pulled out my obsideon knife and started to pray to my father.  I asked him to accept my offer of this traitorous, blasphemous bitches heart and make sure she suffered in Mictlan for what she did.  Then I plunged my knife into her heart...

And suddenly I felt all my anger wash away as her blood spewed from the wound I had made.  As her blood fell and pooled and I stared at it I felt tears start falling.  What had I done?  I had just killed this girl, MURDERED her.  I knelt down over her watching what I had done, not paying attention to the others, as tears fell.  I couldn't stop them.  Liam tossed my keys at me and left.  I told Fletch to take my car and got up and started walking.  I didn't want to be around them right now....I couldn't stop crying and felt an enormous amount of grief fall upon me.  It was as if all the walls I had built suddenly failed at once and I felt the grief of lack of parental love, the grief of losing my brother to my father, of the loss of my child, a child I never knew, everything.  It all came crashing on me at once.  I texted Catherine some nonsense, reaching out to her and kept walking.  Within moments she and Dr. Lord came riding on Ix Chel.

Catherine wrapped me in her arms and I stood there sobbing for a moment.  Tepini told them what had happened since I couldn't stop crying long enough to get it out.  Dr. Lord placed a hand on my shoulder and told me it was ok to cry, to feel this way.  I managed to get out how she was held and of no risk to anyone, but he said someone who taunts their captors is ASKING to die.  I tried to ask why I couldn't stop crying and Catherine told me it was ok that I was finally healing.  Dr. Lord was ready to go find Alejandro and put his head on a pike.  I was hurting so bad I wanted to just die and be done with it.  I told them I didn't want to face the others right now and was going to stay in the woods that night, at which Catherine looked horrified and Dr. Lord told me I could stay at the cabin for the night.  I didn't want to be more of a burden then I already was on them but Dr. Lord and Catherine assured me it was fine and he whisked us all back to his cabin.

I talked some more with Catherine about what I was feeling while Dr. Lord cooked dinner, then I asked her about relationships.  Things were so messed up with Dave right now and I felt this weird emptiness inside without him here.  She's going to make a good mother someday.

We had dinner and I passed out almost immediately after.  Feeling so much after years of feeling nothing will take a lot out of a person, and I love them for taking care of me like they did.  They didn't have too but they did.

Owen the earth diver.

Ok so lab was on Thursday and after it I had my first counseling session with Patrice.
  
We walked into Dr. Lord having an argument with his TA, Owen.  Seemed to have something to do with us but it's hard to tell since we only heard the tail end of the conversation.  Dr. Lord introduced Fletcher to the others and took out our dissection assignment...a pterodactyl looking creature.  Apparently it's a kongamoto and he paralyzed it so we could poke around inside it without killing it (since killing makes titanspawn go *poof*.)  We went to work answering the questions in our packets while Dave sulked over whatever was bothering him.


Suddenly we hear Dr. Lord arguing with the TA again and it sounds like he was about to barge in.  Fletcher put the spawn back in the box but as he did it woke up.  I lept at it and Tepini lept from me and we struck it together killing it.  It left behind it's tongue which Liam made disappear and he walked over to let the TA in as I released Tepini.  Owen saw Fletcher's bird and Liam explained it away as he walked over and made my machete vanish too.  But then...then he saw Kiti.  Mortals can't see Kiti much like they can't see Ix Chel and Owen saw her too. Suddenly he gripped his head and screamed "You're all them, the ones who foil Mother's plans! MOTHER GAIA, SAVE ME!" and lept out the window and into the ground.


Dr. Lord told us he had scented a scion nearby and it seems it was Owen.  He was a corrupted scion.  Someone once on our side but for whatever reason he now fought with the titan....and we were told he is to be killed not captured.


As the others left I stayed behind and waited...my appointment was in an hour.
Patrice asked me to tell her about myself and I did, then told me about herself a little.  She jumped right in on the abortion issue...trying to get me to stop blaming myself.  We talked a little about my fathers and she asked I give this a try.  Sure what the hell...if I said no I'd just piss of Dr. Lord I'm sure and I respect him too much to not try.